Did I make him like this?

While kid #1 was at Kindergarten today, I decided to try kid #2 in a new extracurricular class. A big kid class (of 2.5-4 year olds - ha). The only reason this class was a "trial" is that this time, mommy is not in there. Mommy waits right outside the gym area next to a wall that goes up to my chest. In other words, I am so close, it's ridiculous.

Nate has been going to Dan the Man since he was very little, as has Zach. The only difference is, when Nate started, he was in the mommy & me type classes. Well, now he's 3 and he has pretty much grown out of that stage. Why is he so scared? What does he think is going to happen? Did I make him like this?

Nate is a scaredy-cat. No other way to put it. He is scared when Mommy leaves. I was the mom that sat at preschool all day every day for six (SIX!) weeks when he first started. All the other kids thought I was a teacher. While at first it was flattering to be wanted so much, I ended up feeling resentful. Last year when Nate started preschool and I had to stay all day, the timing happened to coincide with my husband's trip to China. I was literally the only one there to take care of them 24/7 and I didn't even get the 3 hour break of preschool. Not only that, but when we got home, he was MEAN to me! I was tired, unshowered, I could get nothing done for myself and I was resentful.

Zach was never like this. He has always been Mr. Independent since he was a tiny baby. I remember taking him to Music Together and he would crawl away and sit on other moms' laps or just be off doing his own thing. People would ask me, "Where's YOUR baby?" and I'd reply lamely, "Oh, he's over there..." pointing to my curious, independent child across the room. I'll tell you the truth. THAT kinda hurt my feelings, too. Was I not a good enough mother that he wants to go sit on someone else's lap?! Now Zach is a Kindergartener. He started last week. And while all the other kids held onto their mommys' and daddys' hands apprehensively, my child walked right into his classroom without looking back. I really appreciate this about Zach now, especially after Nate and his fearfulness.

I guess what I'm getting at is that moms (or maybe just me?) NEVER feel like they're doing a good enough job. Somehow it is always our fault that our kid is one way or another. I'm not sure how I should have reacted today to Nate's refusal to go into the class (even though he said he wanted to go and we drove all the way over there...ugh). I told him I was disappointed and we went home (after a lot of begging and pleading, from me - not him). I also told him not to expect to get to just go home and watch "The Little Mermaid" 'cause that's NOT going to happen. Maybe I shouldn't have been so tough on him. I made him take a nap, instead, to which he put up very little fight. Maybe he's just tired. Maybe he wasn't in the mood. Maybe, maybe, maybe.

I'll tell you one thing, though: after having one kid on either side of the spectrum, I'm beginning to understand that it is not my fault as much as I may want to blame myself. That is a relief.